Ramblings of a working mom

FEET MEANS WHAT?

2010-06-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

My second child is heading off to college, so I've been doing a lot of reminiscing over the past few weeks. Maddy chose to attend an all girls, catholic high school. She wanted to continue the smaller, private education she had experienced and enjoyed from K-8. Religion has always been part of her curriculum, so it was no surprise when she started as a Freshman that she would indeed have a Religion class for the next four years. Anyone that's read the Bible knows that its all open to interpretation. And those Catholics have some pretty staunch ideas and interpretations of some of the biblical stories. The Bible is also a little hard to digest as a 14yr old. Old English with the "thous" and "thees" and "hither" and "doth," makes it tough. After reading the "Book of Ruth" about 5 times she asked if I could just read it and tell it back to her in a regular way that she could understand. Her task was to contemporize the story for a modern day audience. OK, easy. It was only about 3 pages so I read it through and then walked back into her bedroom to re-tell it in a more understandable way. I said OK sis, here it is, this is the story of Naomi and her daughter in law Ruth. Both of their husbands die and they decide to move from Moab to Bethlehem, where Naomi has a distant, rich relative that might be able to help them. They arrive in Bethlehem and Naomi encourages Ruth to go work in the fields of Boaz (the rich relative) and work hard and maybe he will show her favor and give her food and water. Ruth does this. Boaz notices and compliments her hard work. He gives her food to take home to her mother in law and tells her that he knows about her traveling and taking care of her mother in law and he is impressed with her goodness. Make sense so far? "Oh yeah, good good, keep going, this is great." OK, so then once Ruth arrives home and gives the food and drink to Naomi, Naomi tells her that she should go to the threshing place and thank Boaz. I assume the threshing place is the local tavern. Naomi instructs her to wait until Boaz has finished eating and drinking and then lie down at his feet. I assume that is how Ruth shows Boaz that she knows she is below his station and that she is grateful for his kindness. At this point Maddy says "Oh Mom, feet means penis." What? No it doesn't! "Yes, Ms. Gorman told us that feet means penis." So when Jesus anointed the feet of his 12 disciples? That was really... "Oh no no no, feet means feet there, but feet means penis in the Book of Ruth." So then this is a story about her giving Boaz a blow job to thank him for the grains? I can't think of anything more contemporary than that sis. "Well yeah I guess Mom." Huh. 10 years of Sunday School and not once did I ever hear that feet means penis. "Well Ms. Gorman made a pretty convincing argument for it Mom, I kind of believed her." I need to meet this Ms. Gorman, she sounds like a hoot. Well the ending of the story is happy at least, Boaz ends up marrying Ruth, so that must have been some sort of feet meeting. Good on her.

I CAN DANCE MY ASS OFF YOUNGSTER.

2010-04-17T16:59:00.001-07:00

I have been watching my nieces, 12y & 21y, for the last week and half while my twin sister is in Italy. My younger, 12 year old niece is a girl who likes her patterns. She is a fan of sameness, change is disruptive to her and upsetting. My sister shares this quality. One of the patterns that she LOVES is reality TV. Dancing with the stars is one of her favorite shows. This is not a show that I normally watch, but she enjoys it so much it made it really fun. This season's contestants included a wide range of ages and professions, the two that stood out to my niece were Kate Gosselin, of Kate + 8 fame and Pamela Anderson, an actress just famous for being a hot mess, but a surprisingly good dancer. Kate Gosselin was so bad and robotically stiff it made for great viewing and great mocking. When Kate danced to Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" my tummy hurt from laughing so hard. It begged the question "how did she even get pregnant with those kids?" She seemed completely disconnected from her body, exuded zero sexuality and held her arms like Frankenstein throughout the dance. It was painful. And hysterical. The converse of that was Pamela Anderson, very in touch with her body, very languid in her movements, very graceful. At this point in the show I said why don't they have dancing with real people? I would kill that. At which point my daughter jumped into the fray and said "are you kidding? you would be like Kate Gosselin, its all the about the hips with you Mom, you've got one move." Umm excuse me, not true. I totally rule at dancing. Then my 12 year old niece says "No Auntie, you would totally be Pamela Anderson!" She found this so hysterically funny that she fell off the couch laughing about it, literally holding her sides it was so funny. I said I am going to assume that is a compliment Emma and that you didn't just call me a whore, but that you are trying to say I would be graceful and excellent. Still laughing, couldn't respond. They need to have a Dancing with Real People, I could dance my ass off on that show.

GOD, I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER

2010-03-09T11:32:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was similar to most of late, lots of infighting amongst the middle and youngest child over the car. The older one popping in and out just long enough to piss someone off and leave a wake of devastation in her bedroom and Lee and I just trying to find 5 minutes of silence amongst the noise. Every child, over the course of the last month has taken it upon themselves to let me know that they think I "spoil" the other children more or unnecessarily. My son went so far as to tell me that I am an "enabler" allowing the bad behavior of the oldest to continue to permeate the house and still housing and feeding her. Yeah, every one's an expert on parenting until they actually have to do it. Yesterday, for whatever reason, was the straw that broke this camel's back. I texted all the kids and said be at home by 530p. Mom has something to say. Furious texting of whys? what's wrong? Calls to the office, to my cell all going unanswered. I wanted them to stew on it for a bit. It is most definitely true, the old saying that goes, a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. There's another saying in my house that goes if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy. It was time to take back a little of the power I had ceded to my children in an effort to compensate for all the drama in the household or just to keep everyone happy or countless other reasons. Here are the cliff notes of how the conversation went at the dining room table last night.

First, I don't want to hear one more word about my parenting. When you have your own children you can do it any god damn way that you want. I'm a great Mother and I am so sick and tired of the peanut gallery commenting on who's more spoiled, or who gets away with what or who has the car more. You are ALL spoiled in your own way.

Evan, thank you for all the cleaning that you do around the house. I really do appreciate it. But for the love of god, please, stop telling me how much you do it. If you don't genuinely want to do it, don't. Can you imagine how annoying it would be if I told you every time I did something that benefited you or this family? Was dinner good last night? I cooked that. Just me. Your cell phone working OK? I pay that bill. Was your shower warm? Cause I paid the water bill and the gas bill. Do you know why I don't say anything? I am genuinely happy to do it. If you don't want to do it don't. But there is nothing less appealing than a martyr. And unless you think you can turn weightlifting or bread consumption into a career that will actually pay you I suggest you take some of the limitless work ethic you seem to have for those 2 activities and apply it to your school work. I never see you pick up a book. You cant even get into your state University with your current GPA. In the real world people don't care what you say, they care what you do. Stop talking about it and do it.

And Madalyn, I cant afford the extra $200 a month for club volleyball, which is why I said 5 months ago that I couldn't afford $200 a month for club volleyball. You signed your name to that contract, and yet every month I write that check and I fret and worry about where I can cut, what I can stop doing to be able to afford that bill. Your bill. In the real world, when you sign your name to a contract you owe that money. Not when you have it, not when you can afford it, when its due. And if you don't have it, then you have to stop doing the thing that you are paying for until its paid. You don't get to go to the practices or participate in the games and you still owe the money. If I had that debt I wouldn't be planning surprise parties for my girlfriends I would be looking for a part time job on the weekends to pay that off.

And Jordyn, no where on the planet can you live in a house and not contribute to its upkeep or productivity. You don't do one single thing in this house unless you are specifically asked to do it. Try that in the real world when you live with a roommate and see how it works out. No one in their right mind is going to put up with that. You are not going to school. Get a full time job. Lots of people don't go to college, but then guess what? They get a full time job and they start their life. Working for the man.

And then I wrapped it up with this little morsel, in my misguided, well-intentioned effort for you all to have more than I had as a kid I have unwittingly created children with little to no work ethic. You guys are takers. I would have done anything to help my Mom out when I was your age. I did chores and I didn't get an allowance. I didn't ask for one either, I knew she couldn't afford it and she was already working 2 jobs most of the time. Shame on you. You all have so much and you are so busy worrying about what the other one has or does or doesn't do you aren't even asking yourself what YOU are contributing. Alot of stunned silence. God, I feel so much lighter.

I'M GONNA PRACTICE BEING MORE OF A TEAM PLAYER

2010-03-08T12:27:00.001-08:00

The eldest child didn't do as well as she needed to on her SAT test to ensure entrance into the University of Oregon. Why did she need an extra high score you ask? She has a 3.0 GPA, minimum GPA for acceptance to U of O is 3.4 for in state applicants. Now I don't wanna be a book learnin or numbers snob, but that's not exactly unattainable. She lacks a solid work ethic. I blame myself. So as she strolled into the house from her oh-so-tiring 2 1/2hr a day part time job she was positively gleeful with her new plan for moving out. Hmm. "OK Mom, Dad I have a plan. I make about $700 dollars a month at my job and I found a place for only $600 a month." I said oh well what about your cellphone bill and your gym membership? "Yeah, yeah, I know, those add up to $120 dollars a month." Wait for it. Give it a minute. Add the 2. I said, um well I'm no math whiz, but my rough little numbers in my head estimates that you'll be about $20 short every month. Before you pay your utilities. And eat. I got that oh so familiar eye roll and face of disdain. One searingly angry look that seems to say why are you such a hateful woman that just wants to crush my dreams? In the interest of trying to be more supportive, I said listen I'm not trying to rain on your parade or crush your idea. "Well it sure sounds like that!" I said I just want you to be realistic. How will you eat every month? "I don't know." (I do) Do you have any idea what you spend on food now (not at home, cause we know that's free) when you go out with your friends? And does it include ALL utilities? I'm fully aware that when I ask the question she has no idea which monthly bills fall into the "utilities" category. Blank look of disappointment from the daughter. I said OK Jord, let me know what you figure out. Sounds great so far. I'm gonna go practice being more of a team player.

THIS AINT MIDDLE SCHOOL.

2010-03-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

God, you just cant make shit up sometimes. Had to get braces on Monday. Yes, braces at 43. Top that. My teeth are crazy straight, its not for that, I have been, apparently, grinding my teeth for some time. Little bit of stress I guess. I'm blaming the children. I know you're supposed to take the high road when you're a Mom and say oh its not you guys, sometimes things just happen, but guess what? It is. Its you god damn kids. You children have no idea how much we worry about you every second of every day, even when you are mean to us. Prior to getting them on, I was looking for a little support, a couple of "oh moms, its gonna be fine, its not as bad as you think, etc." Whatever, just lie to me. No such luck. The sweet middle child said "oh god, that sucks for you. Braces at 43? I thought middle school was bad. Oh boy." Yes, that's the sweet one. The inside of my mouth is completely ripped apart and I was bitching about it, and my son said "Mom, guess what? Eventually you will learn to use your lips & mouth differently so it doesn't hurt." I was like, really? "Yes, really. Its only gonna hurt for like another week and then you're gonna be fine." From his mouth to the brace god's ears. In the mean time, I'm going to continue to eat soup. I never realized how much I like food. I miss food. Soup is not food. So while I am eating soup over the next week or so I am going to imagine it being a big fat juicy steak or something else delicious. And I WILL not hesitate to give it back to anyone that wants to take this opportunity to make fun of me. This ain't middle school.

ANIMAL LOVER OR OPPORTUNITY MAKER?

2010-01-20T10:09:00.000-08:00

My son came home from his friend Phil's house last week positively obsessed with getting a french bulldog puppy. Phil has 2. Apparently the cutest dogs on the planet. We have a dog. A very large Rottweiler Lab mix. He's the best dog ever. Why do we need another dog? This was the crux of his argument. "Mom, they are so cute. I will make so many memories with my dog. I can get one of those things you carry small babies in on your chest with and put him in there." A baby Bjorn? "Yeah, that thing. I will get so many chicks Mom, it will be unbelievable." Ahh, OK. Lightbulb. So this isn't really about a new puppy obsession, its about a continued chick obsession and how to draw them in more rapidly? "Umm well yeah Mom. But the dog is just so cute. Its win win. I will do everything." Let me think about it and talk to Daddy. I don't really need one more thing to care for in this house. "Mom, I will do it all. Please. He can sleep with me. Just think about all the memories I will be making." Memories you will be making? Dude, do you hear yourself? "Yes, Mommy I know. I just want one SO badly." God he's cute. I had to at least applaud both his continued tenacity and imagination for getting chicks and his desire to have something all his own to raise. Having to care for something or someone generally teaches you some pretty good lessons.

2010-01-17T17:30:00.000-08:00

The kids generally gather in our bedroom every evening around bedtime, just to chit chat and hang out. Lee likes it for about 5 minutes and then he wants everyone out. The faster the better. So he had just kicked everyone out of our room and we were getting ready for bed, and the boy needed to print out something on the family computer, which is currently housed in Madalyn’s room. He walked in and apparently was hit with an unpleasant smell; this is the conversation that ensued. You cannot make it up. “Jesus Christ, which one of you two farted? It smells like ass in here.” Jordyn began laughing, a clear sign of guilt. “ Next time go to the bathroom, that is so gross.” She said, “You fart in front of me ALL the time.” He said, “yeah, I’m a dude, I can do that. You’re supposed to be a lady. Go to the bathroom.” “Let me get this straight, if I have to toot, you want me to go out of whatever room I am in, walk to the bathroom and toot in there? I’m in Maddy’s room, I can toot if I want.” He said, “Yes, go to the bathroom. And don’t toot in my presence.” She said, “how come you can fart all you want, wherever you want but I have to go to the bathroom? That doesn’t seem fair.” “Fair? When you’re in MY presence its not about what’s fair, its about what I say. And I say I don’t want to smell your nasty ass toots. So be a lady and go to the bathroom.” She began boisterously laughing at this point. I began boisterously laughing at this point, the entire conversation was happening across the hall from our bedroom. When Jordyn regained her composure, she said, “Well why is everything about you?” He’s like, “don’t ask me questions you already know the answer to little lady. It IS about me, because I’m the king after Dad.” Awesome. It was hysterical, but it was also about 1115p by this time and I wanted the conversation to end so I said hey Ev you know what the largest organ in my bedroom is? Racing towards his room with his hands over his ears he said, “No. Mom. Stop. OK.” It’s your DADS PENIS! That is just never gonna get old.

AT LEAST AT A HIGHSCHOOL DANCE YOU KNOW HOW OLD THE GIRLS WILL BE

2010-01-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

We are big, in my family, on attending family events. You have one family. Not attending seems self involved and assy. We are kind of Nazi’s about it, except, you know, minus the people ovens and gas showers. We just give our version of the non fatal, yet equally damaging gas shower, which is the cold shoulder and relentless ribbing, at alternating times to keep the “rib-ee” off balance. My niece is turning 21 years old on Friday. She is my twin sister’s oldest daughter. She is a peach. Her Mom and Dad are having a birthday dinner on Saturday for her at a great restaurant with fabulous, gourmet macaroni and cheeses and other comfort foods. Very excited. The dinner has been on the calendar for weeks. Men of all ages don’t plan things weeks in advance. They just like to be told the day before, or they completely forget. My husband and my son are exactly the same in this regard. So the boy walks into the living room and says “Dad, can you take me shopping for a dress shirt for Winter Formal this week?” The hubby says, “sure, when’s the dance?” The boy says “this Saturday.” I was in an adjacent room, and I said we have Lexi’s birthday dinner on Saturday. He said “Mom, its Winter Formal, I cant miss it.” At this point Madalyn decided to jump into the fray, “ you are going to MISS your cousins birthday dinner for a stupid lame Grant High School dance? You are unbelievable.” She can cut him to the quick better than anyone in the household. “Who are you even taking?” He said, “Umm, no one, I’m going with Ty and Lolo and Phil.” “So just so I’m clear, you don’t have a date, you’re going with 3 dudes and you most likely wont even dance? But you are going to miss your cousins birthday?” He said, “Well yeah, I really want to go.” She said, “you’re an asshole. I’m not going to tell Alexis, that you’re going to a dance instead, that will hurt her feelings.” He said “Maddy come on, you cant be mad at me. I just really want to go.” She said, “ You want to go and grind on some disgusting, easy girl and make out with her. Lets not make this into something its not.” He said, “well yeah, I’m 16, its pretty much all I think about Madalyn. I’m a guy. That’s what guys think about.” So she says “no they don’t, you’re just a pig.” He said, “yes, I’m a pig Maddy, again, I’m a 16 year old guy.” From the other room I yelled, hey Ev, guess what my largest organ is? “No. Mom. Stop.” IT’S MY BOOBS! Evan just looked to his dad for support, who was laughing. She said, “Ha, awesome Mom. And all guys aren’t like that Evan.” He started to say something and I decided to chime in again from the other room and I said, Mads, he’s telling the truth. All guys do think like that, especially the 16-year-old variety. Be glad you have a brother; he’s the only boy his age that is going to tell you the truth. “YES! (insert big fist pump and the over the top Will Ferrell like finger point directly at me) Thank you Mom. And you’re welcome Madalyn. I’m here to help whenever you need me.” God that kid is funny as shit. He will be attending the dinner and then leaving early to take the car to his dance of hot, young easy girls. Good luck to him. At least they'll be closer to his age.

BE VERY CAREFUL WITH WORDS THAT BEGIN WITH E

2010-01-14T16:09:00.000-08:00

I needed to replace my wireless card at the AT&T store prior to travelling and Evan wanted to drive, of course. Any opportunity to drive is great when you’re 16 years old. So Madalyn, Ev and I headed off to the AT&T store. As we’re driving, we are catching up on the past week I missed while I was out of town for work. Mads is talking about volleyball and school, and about how every single girl friend she has, came back from the Christmas break with a new boyfriend. I said does that suck because you don’t have a boyfriend, you just feel awkward during those conversations? She said, “well yeah, sort of, I don’t even want a boyfriend, I don’t have time, but Mom, even the most annoying girl I know has a boyfriend. They are making me look bad.” I said that’s what college is for babe, don’t you worry. You’re not gonna have any trouble at all. Then Ev chimes in “oh I asked out a 32 year old girl at the video store the other day.” HUH? “Oh actually she was only 25y Mom.” Phew. Feel much better now. I was like Ev, you’re 16, that’s not even legal. He said, “It’s cool Mom I told her I was 18.” Madalyn is aghast by this point. The kid has balls and no shortage of confidence. So I said OK and what did she say? “Oh she said, that is so sweet but I have a boyfriend, but thank you for asking me.” Madalyn said, “dude, if she told you it was sweet she thinks you’re too young.” God I love that kid. So Evan says, “Yeah I know, but its cool. At least I asked.” I said right on pal, that’s right, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Can we just make sure Mommy is not going to have to be involved in any court proceedings as a result of your dating whims in the future? He said "I have no idea what you just said there Mom, I’m only listening to like every 3rd word, but sure.” Dick. At this point we were walking into the AT&T store and I was explaining to Maddy why the wireless card wasn’t working, I was mid sentence explaining that the device keeps ejecting the sim card and… Ev interrupts and says, “Mom, did you just say ejaculate?” Umm NO, hector projector, I said
E J E C T. But that’s pretty Freudian. “What’s that mean? Freudian and hector projector?” I said it means you are hearing and saying things that you are thinking about in your mind ALOT and projecting them onto or into other people’s conversations. He said “oh yeah, that’s pretty much true. I’m 16 Mom.” It’s great to be self-aware. I’ll be more careful when using words that begin with E around the boy.

EVEN IF YOU'RE A PORN STAR, YOUR LARGEST ORGAN IS STILL YOUR SKIN

2010-01-14T12:55:00.000-08:00

Been doing a lot of Bikram yoga lately, trying to yoga myself out of a little funk. Not there yet, but one of the happy by products of the hot yoga is that your skin feels like BUTTA! Maddy and I were lounging around on the couch, she was lying in my lap and I had my arm wrapped across her chest. She was rubbing my arm and she said, “jeez Mom your skin feels amazing, how do I get that?” I said oh its from the yoga but you could try skin-brushing, that helps a lot with toxins and surface things left on your skin that might make it rough. She had no idea what I was talking about. I said it literally looks like a horse brush, but it’s for your skin and you brush your entire body before you get in the shower. It stimulates your lymph glands and gets out all kinds of impurities, feels really good too. She said “really?” I said yes, really. Your skin is your largest organ. People forget that. We were having such a nice conversation, my son was sitting in a chair across from us, I presumed, not paying attention to the girl talk. All of the sudden he blurts out “you know what I say when they ask me what my biggest organ is Mom? MY PENIS!” Nice. I said really pal? Do we want to play that game? Maddy says, “you are such a pig and I’m pretty sure that’s not true.” He is still laughing hysterically at his own genius, when it suddenly dawns on him that he probably doesn’t want to play the “lets push the boundaries” game with Mom, cause I don’t care. The gloves are off now. Once it dawns on him he starts back pedaling, “No Mom, totally kidding. You’re right, I just couldn’t resist.” I was like, nope that is totally cool babe, I love this new open dialogue we are gonna have about all things. Its gonna be awesome. So Maddy says “Mom lets talk about how long Evan breast fed, I mean he does seem like a boob guy, what’s that about?” Evan got up out of his seat and marched up stairs, ranting the entire way, “no, no, no, Madalyn stop it. Gross, you guys are gross.” Its gonna be a good couple of weeks for the girls in the house. And sorry boys, even if you're a porn star, your skin is still your largest organ.

BEWARE DIETERS, APPARENTLY YOU'VE BEEN APPROACHING THIS DIET THING ALL WRONG

2009-11-25T11:07:00.001-08:00

Got a text from my son yesterday, just said, can you pick me up some lettuce? Texted back, we have a head of iceberg in the fridge, you can have that. Why? He said I need to eat more salad. I'll chat to you when I get home. OK. The boy seems to waver back and forth between downing large glasses of chocolate milk, double cheeseburgers with bacon and eating 4-6 waffles in a single sitting to deciding that he needs to "watch what he eats." I just figured the lettuce request was the latter. Its important to note, that my son doesn't eat any condiments, dressing or sauces (with the exception of his recent discovery of Teriyaki sauce - "quite possibly the most perfect and delicious sauce ever") A salad to him, is literally, plain iceberg lettuce. Yuck. He called me as I was on my way home from work, with the usual whats for dinner question. Apparently I am the only person in the house that can both think up and cook a meal. I said I don't know son, can you ask Daddy? He said "woman if you don't get home right now and cook me something I am going to eat another entire cookie sheet of biscuits. Don't make me do that." He really makes it very hard to be angry with him. Apparently he had forgotten the lettuce question from earlier. Got home last night and he proceeded to explain to me that even though he was starving and that he had threatened to eat biscuits earlier, he was just going to be eating lettuce until Thanksgiving. HUH? He needed to "really expand his stomach to allow more room for the feast." I said what are you talking about? If you eat less or say, only lettuce, your stomach will shrink. He scoffed, and gave me that oh mom, it is so sad that I know more than you do you look, and then said "Mom, everyone knows lettuce actually expands your stomach." Hmmm. I said so women for years have been trying to lose weight by eating salads and turns out all the science and data has been wrong? He said, "fraid so." I conceded the point but couldn't resist responding, I said pal, is there a website where you teenagers get all your information? Or do you just get it from each other? He said "Mom, we just know. Live with it." So I said what we say in our family when someone says something so incredibly stupid it demands a response. I said OK babe, well you are cute and you can lift heavy things, cling to that. And I'll let all my girlfriends know they've been approaching this diet thing all wrong.

BREAD DOES NOT ACTUALLY HAVE NUTRITIVE VALUE

2009-11-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

My 16y old son is convinced that bread is "great for you." Huh? I said, son there is a reason they call that middle around people's waists a bread basket, you know? "Hogwash mom, you're wrong. Bread is awesome." Now my son is 6'1" and 160lbs so he can eat all the bread he wants, I just wanted to debate the veracity of his knowledge of bread and its perceived nutritional attributes. He is supposed to be 6'6" before he is through growing, so he has a fear of being 6'6" and still 160 lbs. Highly unlikely, but you cant convince the teens of such things. Recently he has been absolutely fixated on me buying him Muscle Milk (dumbest name ever). I did the research, looked online to find out what it contained, whether it was safe, what it cost, etc. Then I texted him at school and I listen pal, I looked it up, it has creatine in it, I cant let you take that, its not good for you. He texted back immediately, surprising since he was in the middle of his 4th period, and said IT DOES NOT!!! So I did that thing that drives my children crazy, I just texted back, OK. Fifteen minutes later another text from the boy, does it really have creatine in it? Yes pal. It does. You can look online if you don't believe me. He texted back, well do you want me to be 6'6" and 160lbs? I need to put on weight and cut it up, I have it down to a science. You cant make up the shit they think or say. I said OK babe, lets go to the store this weekend and look it up. We did. He now believes me, but would still like to "try it." I said why don't we meet in the middle, you try a few of the packets and see what you think and then you convince daddy that its OK for you to be taking this on a regular basis, fair? He said fair. Cut to Sunday, I needed to go visit my ailing Grandma and run a few errands, I arrived home around 130p, hung up my keys by the door and looked into the TV room and there on the couch, perched over an entire cookie sheet full of biscuits and a slab of butter was my 16y old son. I gave him a somewhat puzzled look and he just said "don't judge me." This made me burst out laughing. He did make the biscuits himself, from scratch, so I applaud him for that. But I said, really son? A dozen biscuits in one sitting? How is that a good idea? "They are so light and fluffy and delicious Mom, I couldn't help myself." I said you are like a Saturday night live skit or something. Clean up your mess and eat some protein for Christs sake before you fall into a blood sugar coma. And FYI, bread does not have nutritive value!

VAMPIRES NEED LOVE TOO

2009-11-20T11:31:00.000-08:00

My younger daughter, the 17y old, got special, sneak pre-premiere tickets to the 930p special showing last night of "NEW MOON" the second film in the wildly popular vampire series Twilight. I have read the books. When my 18y old was up until all hours of the night devouring these books, I had to see what all the rage was about. They are, at their core, a tragic love story. Simply written, entertaining fiction. I came to work to let the enclave of my female work mates that are equally split between Team Edward and Team Jacob know that the film got rave reviews from the 17y old and her friends. AMAZING came out of her mouth a lot, between catching her breath and talking about how hot both Edward and Jacob were, and how positively angst filled she was about having to choose. Love it! Love when kids get excited about reading, about films about any positive creative outlet. So I was surprised when one of my work mates let me know that she read a critical review espousing the danger of such films and their impact on children. Really? No one is creating a stir over the onslaught of horrific reality television out there, ala the flavor of love, and video games where every chick has double D tits and the dialogue from the men is that they are whores, but a successful book series turned into a multi-million dollar film series that talks to teens about, excuse me, things teens actually think about is a bad thing? I strongly disagree. Now if anyone wanted to plant that indignation flag over say...True Blood, which while entertaining, I would essentially call Vampire Porn, I would and could understand that. But these books are not that. They are appealing to girls of all ages because its all thinking and build up and angst and no sex is ever being had until like book 3. Teens have very fairy tale views of love and romance. That's is and should be OK. Real life will come along soon enough. He's a vampire, so what, isn't real love hard enough to find? Is the inference that there are real vampires out there, in our schools, with our kids and that now our daughters will only see the good in them and not the blood sucking, killer reality? Death is now romantic because somewhat wrote about it? Guess what, a majority of teens already feel that way. I'm not saying that is a good thing, I'm saying that believing exposing them to such ideas immediately puts them in danger of following that path is ludicrous. We should give our children more credit. And any time a young girl or even an old one can get excited about a smart girl conflicted about loving and potentially having sex with the boy of her dreams who is, tragically, a vampire I say sweet. Imagination and creativity and an ability to be a little self aware and flawed are the very things that get you through this thing we call life. And vampires need love too.

JUST BECAUSE ITS LOW HANGING FRUIT IS IT ANY LESS DELICIOUS?

2009-11-19T13:52:00.000-08:00

There's been a very noticeable silence between my two younger children. Normally they get along great. Talk about everything, rare for a 16y old boy and a 17y old girl to be able to communicate and understand and respect each other. So it was somewhat off-putting when the silence began early last week. If it were just silence, I would have probably just deduced that they were both busy and involved in their own little dramas; however there was a palpable tension in the silence that you couldn't miss. I let it be, thinking they would come to me if they needed me. Then the 18y old slipped about what the underlying cause was for the tension between them. Apparently the boy had gone to a Halloween dance and made out very publicly with the "easy" girl. He's 16y, there will be plenty more of those I'm sure. The crux of the problem was that this particular girl happens to go to my daughter's all girl, Catholic high school and has a reputation not only for her "accessibility" but also for not being terribly discreet about her experiences. The 17y old was horrified that she had to hear about it at school, in great detail. Now my son has both the advantage and disadvantage of having grown up out numbered by women in his family. He is insanely insightful and compassionate for a 16y old dude. And he cannot take it when his sister is angry at him. I kept hearing snippets of their conversations but nothing in detail. So when my daughter was giving me a kiss goodnight, she climbed under the covers for the usual snuggle and chat and I said, you and Evan work out your issues? She said, "yeah I guess, he apologized." I said this is about the Kelley (name changed to protect the not so innocent) incident at the Halloween dance right? "Yes. He said listen Maddy I don't want to be that guy and I know that when it's someone you know that it affects you too and I don't want you to have to deal with stuff like that. I'm really really sorry." I am beside myself at this point, smiling deeply on the inside for having done such a fine job. I said, how can you be mad at that? That is so sweet and thoughtful and grown up for a dude in the throws of the hormone dominated years. She said "yeah I know, I just don't want him to think he's off the hook for his bad decision." Listen hard ass Harriett, everyone, absolutely everyone makes mistakes. Me included. You included. How we recover and move forward is what defines a person, not never having made a mistake. That person doesn't exist, and if he or she did, they probably wouldn't be that interesting. She conceded my point. As a mother, I still had that gnawing need to have a conversation with my son about the whole incident. He picked me up from the airport yesterday and as we were driving home I said so I heard you and Maddy worked out your issues. He said "oh yeah, we're cool, we did that a couple of days ago." I said oh, this was all about the Kelley incident? Guilty, red faced look and a sideways glance from the boy. I said, pal, come on, I know everything. He said "well I didn't think you didn't know, I just don't really want to talk about it with my mom." Fair enough. Here's the one and only thing I'll say about it and then I'll drop it; girls like Kelley are what I like to call "low hanging fruit." They are there, available and arguably just as delicious as the other "fruit" on the tree, and sometimes, lets be honest, we're lazy and its easy. The problem is that after awhile, it becomes so easy, you're not that discerning anymore and suddenly you are the low hanging fruit, by proxy. And you're no longer that interesting to the prized, harder to get, out of reach "fruits" on the tree. You just have to decide if you're okay with that, and proceed accordingly. He said "nice analogy, I like that. I get it Mom. You don't have to worry." Famous last words.

THEY SAY THAT IGNORANCE IS BLISS

2009-09-02T15:56:00.000-07:00

Many many new pieces of information have come to light since the "party." The kind of information a parent does not really want to know about their child. Its taken me awhile to be able to decide what is fit to print and what is better left to the imagination. I have always been a fan of trying to find something humorous, even in the most painful of life events. With the current pain to humor ratio, my life over the last month has been a real laugh riot. Shout out to my sister for keeping me somewhat sane and not committing teenager-a-cide. The 18 year old still doesn't really get it. She likes to say things to me like "you just don't know what teenagers do these days, I'm a totally normal kid." Now that may very well be true. And hard as this is for her to believe, I too was once a teenager. I was not THAT teenager, I had other concerns, but I certainly knew those kids and I certainly knew what the normal behavior and partying habits were then and now. Partying I get. The part I'm having trouble swallowing is the lying and the amount of energy and time I have wasted this past month doing the backwards mental math trying to figure out how long the lying has been going on and when exactly it started. Lying to someone, be it personal or professional, is disrespectful. Its says one of three things to that person, I don't think you are worthy of the truth, I don't think you can understand or handle the truth, or I am a coward and am not willing to take responsibility for the things that I am doing and their subsequent consequences. Saying things out loud makes them real. Having someone say, not OK, makes you have to look at yourself. Teenagers don't spend alot of time being self aware. Its the beauty of knowing everything, there is no need to think it through soup to nuts. My 18 year old has also taken a liking to saying things like "don't judge me, that's in the past, why cant you just move on." Mind you these particular statements came 2 days after the party. Yeah, I'm a real dweller. Here's my thoughts on that, whether you agree or not, its simply my point of view. I do NOT think its my job to judge my children, I do however believe that absent any real guideposts in life, or moral codes to live within they are like ships without any ballast. They may end up on shore fine and dandy, or they may end up lost at sea. As a parent I do think its my responsibility to "right the ship" if and when I can. Or the ship will have to look for a new PORT to call home.

KEEP THAT MOM O THE YEAR TROPHY ON ICE PLEASE

2009-08-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

2 weeks ago that day that every parent dreads, but secretly knows will happen, happened to me. I was in Texas working. My husband was doing his yearly teaching trip at the University of San Diego, so the children were by themselves. Umm yeah, suuuuuure you can trust them, they're teenagers. Right. So I called home to check on the kids, you know in between writing my mother of the year speech, and got ahold of my eldest daughter. I should have known something was up, she was so sticky sweet on the phone. I actually thought we might have turned a corner. Umm no. Asked her what her plans were for the evening and she said "well Daddy said I could have some girlfriends spend the night, so we rented some movies, The Haunting in Connecticut and another scary one and we're just going to chill out and have fun." I said that sounds great, and then mockingly I said, you better not have a party. Aghast, she said, "Mom, c'mon, please you know me better than that, I would never." I said, OK, well if you aren't afraid your friends should be afraid. She said "Mom, my friends are terrified of you, they would never." I said OK, well just wanted to put that out into the universe so we were all clear. She said "yep, we're clear, I got it." Cut to the next day, I'm sitting in an edit bay and I get a call from my husband and he says "so have you talked to Jordyn yet?" I said no, why? He says "oh um, so you haven't heard that she had a party at the house last night?" I said, um nope hadn't heard that. He continued "Dave broke it up a little after midnight with about 100 kids at the house." I said gotta go. Call you back. Then I picked up the phone and dialed my eldest child and I said Jord, do you have something that you want to tell me? Big, long pause. I said please be aware I don't ask any question I don't already know the answer to, so choose your words carefully. She said "well you obviously already know, I had a party last night." She actually sounded irritated that she had to say this out loud, like I was annoying her or something. It sent me over the edge. I went off. It wasn't pretty. It ended with please gather all the things that you value and put them on the dining room table, so you can say one last goodbye. And when I get home YOU better be there, and your little girlfriends that thought it was a good idea better be there. My two creatives and the editor that were in the room were speechless. I might have actually left my body. This was Thursday. I was scheduled to fly home Friday. My flight was cancelled. So I called home to check on the naughty one, only to find out that she was staying the night with a girlfriend. HUH? WTF? So I dialed her on her cell phone and stepped outside the restaurant and asked her where she was. She said "I'm at Bryn's, Daddy said I could stay the night." I said, I don't care what your father said, you better get your ass home NOW. She said "well sorry but daddy already said I could stay." I said sister you are so lucky I am stuck in Texas right now. My flight gets in at 11a if your ass isn't home sitting on that couch just waiting to hear my thoughts on your little goings on, you can find yourself a new place to live. And then I did that super mature thing and hung up the phone, but continued to curse under my breath at myself and of course for the small crowd of people that was now staring at the raving lunatic on the street talking to herself. Yeah, just keep that Mother of the Year trophy on ice for me. I'll get there. Its a journey.

SOMETIMES LESSONS ARE COSTLY.

2009-07-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

The beauty of children is that they are always doing dumb shit. You cant make it up most of the time. Keeps you on your toes. I tell my children all the time, 90% of my job as your mom is to save you from yourself and the stupid shit you are inevitably going to do. Mine never disappoint in this regard. I was in the middle of a meeting and 2 of my 3 children were blowing up my phone with texts. Please call me. Call me now Evan is an idiot. Please call lost my retainer. Christ. So I texted back to both of them, in a meeting will call as soon as I get out. So I called my son first and I said what's going on? What's so important that you texted me 4 times in a half hour? He said "Mom I don't want to go into details, but I lost my retainer at the river." I said wait isn't your retainer in your mouth? Its a little more troublesome that you had your mouth open in the Columbia river but OK. He said, yeah so next time you see Dr Rensch would you please make an appt for me to get fitted for a new one. I said yeah. And I'll pull the $300 that it will cost off that money tree Dad and I have growing in the back yard. Then I called my daughter, the 18yr old. I said what's going on? What's with all the texts? She said "Evan is a fricken retard. He kicked sand in my face at the river so I threw his clothes in the river." The math started adding up in my mind. And I said, and let me guess, his retainer was in there? She said "yes, and his wallet and his ID, but in all fairness I didn't know that." I said right, but it seemed like a good idea to throw his clothes in the river? She said "yes I was fricken mad. He's a dick." I said well you will be paying for that replacement retainer. She said "well he shouldn't have kicked sand in my face. That's ridiculous." I said it is ridiculous, but you couldn't think of another resolution to that? Like ANY other resolution? "No, I was super pissed." I said I have to go your brother is calling. So I hung up the phone and picked up my son on the other line. I said pal, do you want to tell me the whole story of how you "lost" your retainer? He said "OK well first of all I think Jordyn needs to go to anger management classes." Huge eruption of laughter in the background. He was doing that annoying thing kids do to look cool in front of their friends. Retelling the story with all his witty color commentary for their benefit. It pissed me off. So I let him get in 2 more wisecracks and then I said pal, you are with your friends now, but at some point tonight you have to come home to my house. I do not think that it is in your best interest to piss me off. Do you? "No. What do you want me to say?" I said I want you to tell me why you kicked sand in your sisters face? He said "we got there and it was just kind of gay and I was bored so I did a little scissor kick thing and kicked up sand behind me. In all fairness I didn't know it was going to hit her in the face, that was just a happy accident." Again boisterous laughter in the background. I said and you didn't think she would freak out? WHEN, historically, has it ever worked out in your favor to poke at your sister? WHEN has she ever not reacted, usually, quickly and physically. He said "what do you want me to say?" I said I want you to say Mom, I'm a jackass. I made a dumb ass choice and I am now going to pay for half of the cost of the replacement retainer. He said it. Verbatim. Not as loudly of course, cause his friends were still listening. So he did that thing where he covered his mouth over the receiver and practically whispered it into the phone. When I came home that night he was chopping wood in the back yard. Jordyn came downstairs and apologized. He apologized. I said you know what Jord, you are paying the full cost of the retainer, and you my young man will be paying half. Dad and I should profit from your poor choices. We'll have a nice dinner out. On you. And if you want to be pissed off, be pissed off at yourself. Sometimes lessons are costly.

MY NIGHT JUST GOT BETTER.

2009-07-16T08:37:00.000-07:00

This will hopefully be the only post devoted to me instead of the kids, but it seemed worth mentioning. Came home from work about a month ago in a terrible mood. It was one of those days where I was actually convinced we were employing ALL the unbelievably stupid people on the planet. And they had all chosen the same day, this day, to share their idiocy with me. Not awesome. Walked into the house and was kind of a snap turtle to everyone. Changed into my comfy clothes. Uggs boots, long basketball shorts and hoody. The kind of outfit only a husband could love. I told my husband I was walking to the liquor store to get some Tequila so I could have a margarita. Yes, liquor is nice sometimes when you're stressed out. Don't tell the kids. So he said "OK relax I'll walk with you." So we left the house and began the 3 block walk to the local liquor store. Its located on a very busy street. We held hands and began walking across the street, avoiding traffic in both directions, not in a cross walk. So we saw a car coming towards us and I picked up my pace a little bit, and the car actually accelerated to make some really important point about using a cross walk I guess. This was a little funny to me. Dickish, but funny. My husband didn't really see the humor in it. So he did the grown up thing and began to swear at the moving car. If memory serves it was something in the neighborhood of "slow the fuck down you fucking idiot." Followed by one of those chest puffing moments where he was sort of daring them to get out of the car. Nice. It was a car full of teenagers, so they slowed down opened their door and said "take your fucking hooker home you fucking asshole." This made me laugh. My husband didn't see the humor in it. I said babe, look at me. I'm surprised you'll have sex with me for free in this get up. They think you're paying for this magic. That is AWESOME. My mood just took a 180 degree turnaround. Things are lookin up. He smiled, but still wanted to kill someone. Every time the door opened at the liquor store he was ready to pummel someone. But my night just got better.

MEMORY LANE IS AWESOME. PART DEUX

2009-07-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

I have been traveling alot for work over the past few months. I arrived home on a Friday and wanted to just spend some time with the kids. I asked if everyone would like to go have a nice dinner together and catch up. Out. I wanted to be with them, I didnt want to cook the meal. Everyone was psyched for that. So we picked our favorite tex mex restaurant and my kids plus my 21yr old nephew all went out to dinner to catch up. My 16yr old started talking about flying and how he has really done so little of it, he is still super excited when he knows he's going to get on a plane and go somewhere. The bloom is a little bit off that rose for me. My oldest child, the 18yr old whom we lovingly refer to as "the bear" said oh god, are we really going to talk about flying again? We all knew what she meant. So the 17yr old said, "tell the story again Mom. Its hysterical." The 18yr old got that knowing half smile on her face. She knew what story was coming. Even my nephew said "Auntie, you have to tell that story its the best."

When my oldest and her younger sister were 7yr & 6yr, respectively, they went on their first solo trip to visit their grandparents. Grandma and Grandpa drove down to Portland to pick them up and then they all had a fun roadtrip back to where Grandma and Grandpa lived. When the visit was over, Grandpa and Grandma didnt want to drive back, so they opted to fly them home. This meant 2 flights actually. A small plane from Bellingham to Seattle and then a larger plane for the 1/2 hour flight from Seattle to Portland. There are certain things, protocol, speeches, that happen on planes that as adults we sort of take for granted. We ignore them now or tune them out. I hadnt really properly prepared the girls for flying alone. By the time the 18yr old got off that first flight there was no way in hell she was getting on another plane. Children are literal. When the stewardess gave the speech about "in the event of a water landing your seat can be used as a flotation device..." the train came off the tracks for the 18yr old. She was already mid flight by that time and could not do anything, but she swore that when she got off she would not be getting back on. No one had told her planes could crash. That IS bullshit is what she was thinking to herself. So I get a phone call on my cell and its an irritated gate agent for Horizon Air. He begins the conversation with "we have a problem. Your child is not going to get on the plane." I said what are you talking about? He said "maam, she is refusing to get on the plane." I said you're a grown person arent you? You cant get a 7yr on a plane? He went on a tiny rant about how that was not his job, he just took tickets and checked people in, blah blah blah. So I said can you put her on the phone so I can speak with her? He said "I'll try, but she keeps running away whenever I look at her." Hello? :"Mommy?" Mads? "yes Mommy, its so embarrassing, she is running around the airport and she is saying she wont get on the flight. She is saying you have to drive up here and pick us up. Its soooo embarrassing." I know babe, can you ask her to please get on the phone and talk to Mama? "OK, I'll try, but she's really acting crazy." She got on the phone. "Hello Mom?" Yes its mama. What's going on Jordy? Why wont you get on the plane? "Did you know Mom that planes can crash? how come no one ever told me that? How come I have to hear it from the lady waitress on the plane?" Stewardess honey, she's a stewardess. "Umm I dont really care. I had to find out that my seat is a flotation device when Im in my chair? Screw that. I am NOT getting on that plane. You and Dad get in the car now and drive up here and get me." Babe, its a 4 hour drive and a 30 minute plane ride. We are supposed to be going to SunRiver which is 5 hours in the opposite direction. "I dont care. Im not getting on that plane no matter what you say. You get up here now and get me." Then she handed the phone back to her sister and ran off. I said Madalyn, we cant drive up there and get you guys, explain to her that we are going to have a fun time in SunRiver and its only a half hour plane ride. She said "yeah Mommy like she's going to listen to me? She wouldnt even listen to Papa. He yelled at her and told her he was gonna spank her if she didnt get on that plane. And she basically said bring it Papa. If you touch me my Mom will go crazy. She's not getting on Mom." Then a lovely gate agent who was supposed to be off duty after this first flight with the girls from Bellingham took the phone from my youngest daughter and said "Maam, I think I can get her on the plane, I am supposed to be off duty now but I will just ride down with her and take the next flight back." I said oh my god, you would do that? She said "of course, no problem." So the girls arrived in Portland about 45 minutes later. Jordyn was clutching the hand of the kind lady that rode down with her. Maddy was near tears, because she had to hold it together for both of them. We got to listen to Jordyn complain about how children flying solo was practically child abuse the entire 5 hour drive to SunRiver, but we have had so many good laughs since then over this incident it almost doesnt seem fair. Needless to say I purchased the kind lady a $100 gift certificate for helping me to get my daughter home. That sort of thing doesnt happen that often, and it sure was great.

POLITE AND CHARMING MIGHT BE OVERRATED.

2009-07-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

We were on our first excursion the other day with the 17yr old as an official licensed driver. Trip to the movie store. Very important. I had just returned home from a business trip and was trying to do a de-brief on how his test went, why HE thought he didn't pass, everything. I wanted the blow by blow. So we are driving and he is talking, focusing on all the positives, processing as he is telling me it seems. He keeps coming back to his instructor complaining about her allergies. I said was she really complaining the whole time about that? Was she talking to you the whole time? Were you engaging and polite? He said "mom, I was so fricken charming it was insane. I asked what kind of allergies she had, what did she take, how was her day otherwise, the whole 9 yards." And then the 17yr old says "wait, you were talking during your driving test?" And my son says "yes. She wouldn't shut up. She was talking the whole damn time." And then the 17yr old says "you realize it says right on the first page of the drivers manual that you are NOT supposed to talk at all during your driving test right?" I said Oh dude, bad news. The math is starting to make more sense. But if she was talking to you, its almost like you were flunked for being charming. That doesn't seem fair. He didn't respond right away and then he said "son of a bitch, the one time I think Ive really nailed the polite and charming thing. Damn it." Ahh that damn polite and charming thing will bite you every time. Lesson learned.

YES CHICKS REALLY DO RULE.

2009-07-01T16:07:00.001-07:00

My 17y old took her drivers license test the day after her brother. He did not pass, after much shit talking and preemptive bragging about the absurdity of him not passing. She passed. This was not a surprise. She called to tell me about passing and tried to trick me. This is how that conversation went. "Hey Mom, good news/bad news. I passed the driving portion but I failed the written test." I said really? That doesn't sound like you. What happened? She said "psych, of course I passed, I cant believe you fell for that." Brat. Then I said, have you broken the news to your brother yet? She said "no, but I'm not going to gloat or rub it in at all Mom cause he actually text ed me right before I took the test GOOD LUCK." I said for real? That is so sweet. She said, "yeah, for real, I am not gonna say anything until he asks me and then I will try and undersell it. I said you are a gracious human being. Very sweet of you. Also very sweet of him to wish you good luck. Especially after the Terrell Owens shit talking spectacle he made prior to his own test. She said "I know right?, he surprises me that one." Indeed he does. And chicks rule.

AT LEAST YOU ACED THE PARALLEL PARKING

2009-07-01T15:43:00.000-07:00

My 16y old son went for his drivers license exam last week while I was in LA working. We knew it was coming, you have to make an appt 3 weeks in advance now to be able to take the test. He had a long conversation with his younger sister the night before his test about how he would be happy to drive her wherever she wanted to go when he was the FIRST licensed driver in the house. Alot of bragging. My daughter said be careful pal, Karma's a bitch. You are bragging so much you're not gonna pass for some dumb reason. He balked. She is way smarter than her 17yrs would or should indicate. I asked him to please call when the test was over and let me know how he did. He did. Here is how that conversation went. "Umm Mom now I don't want you to be disappointed but I didn't pass my driving test." I said what? why? He said "man, I really have no idea. I was in the middle of celebrating my own awesomeness for the sic parallel park job that I had just done and all of the sudden she says oh nice park job but I'm not going to be able to pass you today, you used your turn signals too early. You will confuse other drivers." I said are you messing with me? He said "no, seriously Mom. I wanted to say you crazy ass bitch, did you not just see that parking job? Were you not seeing what I was seeing?" He didn't actually say that to her, thank god. So I said well babe, maybe she was on her period or something or just having a bad day. That's about her. Control what you can. He said "well she did spend the entire drive bitching about her allergies. That's when I wanted to say take a fucking Benedryl and sign your damn name lady." Again, he didn't actually say this. But I laughed, cause its what I would have wanted to say. He has to wait 28 days before he can re-take the test. My guess is he will be more vigilant about the "premature" signaling next time.

CELLPHONES AS LEARNIN' TOOLS

2009-06-16T13:54:00.000-07:00

I have always quietly cursed modern technology and what I think our children have lost in the way of ingenuity and problem solving as a result of it. And yet as a parent, I know that the easiest way to get a child's attention is the take the thing that is most valuable to them. In my family, cellphones are like gold bars of bullion, valuable and useful beyond measure. Cellphones give teenagers cache and importance, an ability to have covert, text only conversations, and freedom to have up to the minute information on everything and everyone in their circle. My son lost his cellphone last month because he got 2 D's on his progress report. Its amazing the turn around he was able to make sans that piece of equipment. He aced both his math and his chemistry final and brought both grades from a D to a B for his final report card. In addition to his keen, as yet uncovered, ability to focus on his studies he actually became a much more pleasant person to be around. I could engage him in conversations, he asked me how my day was, he would call me from the home phone at random times "just to check in with me." It was like the boy I knew pre-cellphone. He came home on the day of his last final and he was just beaming, he said "Mom, I aced my chemistry test. My teacher told me I got the highest score in the class." I said wow, isn't that amazing for a guy who thought he wasn't smart enough to pass the class? Didn't it feel really good to know the answers to the questions when you read them? To know that all your efforts studying meant something? He said "yes, yes, you were right Mom, it felt really good to be so prepared." I said I didn't want to be right, I just wanted you to raise the bar for yourself. I wanted it to matter to YOU. And then I said, you realize now that the bar has been raised and we all know what you are capable of, so falling short isn't really an option anymore, right? He said "I know I know. But you also said if I get a scholarship you would buy me that 66 Mustang I want." I said damn straight I will, it will be the best money I ever spent pal. Who knew cellphones were so wise and learn-ed.

TISSUE ANYONE?

2009-05-30T10:31:00.000-07:00

Our house got TP'd for the first time ever this past weekend. Surprised it took so long actually. It seemed like when I was in high school you heard about a new TP victim everyday. The only thing that made the stories different and interesting was how the parents reacted and taking bets on the kids that actually did it. My husband woke me up about 830a on Saturday morning laughing and said "babe get up, you have to see this." Begrudgingly I got up, not laughing and thinking this better be really fucking interesting on my one day to sleep in all week. It was, those little bastards did a great job, we have Cherry Blossom trees in the front and around the sides of our house, about 8 total. Every single tree was covered top to bottom with toilet paper. It was in the yard, on the porch, on the upper porch. They really went all out. I crawled back into bed smiling, and my husband said "I've called Jord and Ev and told them to get home and clean this up. Both kids showed up at home about a half hour later and began the task of picking up the toilet paper and extracting it from the trees. Jordyn was laughing and happily picking it up. So Evan said "what are you laughing at? I don't want to be picking this shit up on a Saturday morning." Again, dickhead phase. So she said "what are you on your period or something? Relax tiger its a harmless school prank, I think its funny." OK first, AWE SOME! And second, what happened to my crazy angry bear? Twilight zone. Well it worked, the period comment shut him up really quick. I got up and went outside on the upper porch to observe them working, Evan looked up and said "this is bullshit, its probably Jordyn's friends anyway, why do I have to do this?" I said oh poor sad 16y old baby, if you need a tissue you big Nancy girl, pull one off the tree. Just don't stop working while you dry your little eyes.

MEMORY LANE IS AWESOME.

2009-05-22T09:46:00.001-07:00

My son has a school project that required him to bring in some baby photos of himself. He was a very cute, very fat baby. Now when I say fat, I'm not talking about a little bit of baby fat, I'm talking about a pint sized Michelin man. His arms had sections. No lie. He is 6'1" now and thin as a rail, despite eating enough to feed a small African village on a daily basis. As we went through each of the photos and I related the particular event or story associated with each, he happened upon quite possibly one of the cutest. He was about 20months old, fat as hell, and he had his bottle tucked safely under his armpit, half full of juice. He had kind of a juice addiction. Every night he wanted juice in his bottle at bedtime instead of milk. Juice brought him some sort of comfort. Not the best choice for his teeth, but he was just so god damned cute, it was really hard to say no. Because he was a fatty, if by chance he ran out of juice before he conked out, he would begin screaming JUICE! from his crib. He didn't want to get out of bed like most kids, he was happy to go to bed and get some rest, being a fatty was exhausting, he just needed his juice. Sometimes this occurred in the middle of the night. My husband doesn't actually hear things that happen in the middle of the night, so I would get up and refill his bottle with juice and he would be happy and go right back to sleep. At the age of 4y when he got into a big boy bed, he would crawl out of bed, walk into our bedroom, and stand quietly, staring intently at my husband until he woke up. Cause he was thirsty, but polite. My husband would wake up, freaked out, wondering how long he had been standing there and Evan would put on his cutest face, jam his bottle in Lee's face and say "juice please?" It was super cute. We would both end up laughing and usually Evan would end up sleeping with us. Ah the good old days. Memory lane is awesome.

UMM, ESTROGEN IS NOT SO GREAT EITHER.

2009-05-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

We have a saying in my house, don't poke the bear. The "bear" is my 18y old daughter. She has always been, even as a small child, the kid who's mood(s) decide the tenor of the entire household. The other children have learned to "work around" her moods when bad, or avoid her all together. Its not fair, but its accurate. Apparently at the age of 16y my son has hit critical mass on "taking her shit." Nice. He is also, coincidentally going through what I lovingly refer to as his dickhead phase. Its all about him, all the time. He thought it would be funny this morning to burst into her room loudly and pretend to be looking for something. He wasn't looking for anything. When she woke up and said "what in the hell are you looking for so early, and in MY room." He switched to his condescending, high pitched voice, feigning innocence and said "oh did I wake you? Was that loud? Gosh I'm real sorry about that." Dick. This started a verbal battle the likes of no other. Not that intelligent, logical kind of exchange, the annoying you think it only happens in movies kind of exchange with a lot of "why are you still talking? Stop talking. Stop looking at me." Its funny in movies, its not funny in real life. Its annoying as shit. So I closed my door to both drown out the noise and get dressed for work in private. Silly me. I had some foolish expectation of privacy because I closed the door. Not. They both burst in, I'm still half naked and continued their verbal UFC match. I said really? There is no other square footage in this house where you guys could take this? I am trying to get dressed and I'm in MY room. I continued to get dressed because I knew full well that they would not be able to re-direct the massive amount of energy and brain cells they were currently utilizing for their clever barbs, to send a message from their brains to their legs and walk their selves out of my bedroom. So as I bent over to put my pants on, my 18y old slapped me on the ass and said, "Mom, its really embarrassing, you actually have NO ass. You should think about getting butt implants." I said hmm, well Beyonce' I seem to have a vague recollection of having a bigger, higher, tighter more awesome ass....BEFORE I HAD CHILDREN! AND YOU'RE WELCOME! This is how my day started. I was relieved to get to the office. Then around 530p I left to pick up the 17y old and her girlfriend to get them fed before 7p club volleyball practice. I called her in advance, gave her the heads up that I was 5 minutes away, asked her to be waiting outside. She dawdled and was not outside. I called her and said pick up the pace there is a really crabby old lady behind me in the turnaround glaring. The old lady got tired of waiting 4 minutes and backed completely out of the turnaround to circle the block. Another car, parked in the inside 5 minute parking aisle, retrieved his daughter and was ready to go. I knew Maddy was coming I could see her at the door coming down the stairs. He begins honking his horn in one second intervals, so much so that everyone on the street is now staring at us. Really dude? You're a grown man and you cant wait 4 fucking minutes? You're in such a big ass hurry to jump on the freeway and be in bumper to bumper traffic? Could I have pulled around the block? Of course, but now I was pissed, so it was the principal of the thing. He exits his car and begins the walk of shame up to my window, Maddy and her girlfriend had just opened the door and were sliding into the seats, so the GO FUCK YOURSELF option was off the table. Shame. I rolled down my window and he began to tell me that I need to "circle the block, this was not the appropriate place to park my car." So I did what my mother told me and since I had nothing nice to say I said nothing at all, and I rolled up my window as he continued his diatribe. Douche bag. I went on a tiny rant as I hate with Maddy and she hugged me and said "Mommy he's just dumb, who cares about him." True. But that fat bastard consumed the better part of my evening last night as I re-played the coulda/woulda/didnt's of our exchange. How dumb is that? Estrogen is not so great either.

TESTOSTERONE IS NOT AWESOME.

2009-05-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

I have a reprieve from the 18y being naughty, which means my son has decided to step up and get himself in more trouble. Parenting totally rules sometimes. He got 2 D's on his progress report, so his father took away his cellphone. He hid it, but didn't actually turn off the service. Novice. I was really proud of him for taking the phone away, but he clearly had underestimated the jack-assery of his son. The boy, in his infinite and limitless wisdom, thought he would "outsmart" his Dad and found the phone, but instead of taking it, he simply removed the SIM card and put it into another phone. Now I gotta give him some credit, that is more calculating than I would have guessed he could be, but really? Did he not do the math that we get a phone bill, with dates of usage and such? Dumb ass. Unfortunately for him, he was not thorough enough to tell all his friends that he got his cellphone taken away and to keep any communications on the DL. Lee and I went to dinner at his best friend's house on Friday night for a barbecue. Lee walked in and said to Tyler, hey have you talked to Evan today? Tyler said "yeah, I just got off the phone with him." Lee said, the home phone? Tyler said, "no he's golfing, his cellphone." He's in trouble but he's still allowed to go golfing apparently, because we're not animals. Now Lee is a guy that goes from zero to sixty anger-wise in no time flat. So he began to stew. This was bad for Evan. He decided to swing by the barbecue once he was done golfing. Lee decided to have the confrontation in front of Tyler and his family. This was horrifying. I am not a fan of the airing of family laundry in public. My husband is old school Irish catholic, its practically genetic and universally accepted amongst other catholic types to have confrontations loudly and in public. Again, I wanted to crawl out of my skin. It was awful. Lee ended up leaving, walking home to burn off some steam. By the time we got home, he was both furious and remorseful for how it went down. I said my piece about it being embarrassing and probably inappropriate the way he handled it. I got it, I just think he went about it in the wrong way. Part of parenting is stripping the emotion out of it and doling out the appropriate punishment. He was embarrassed, he felt like he was "duped" by his 16y old son and disrespected. Both true. As of yesterday the boy still hadn't said 2 words to Lee. He was devastated. Long story from Evan about how "he was disrespected." God you cannot make it up sometimes how much kids don't get it. I put in a call to his sister and asked her to have him call me ASAP. He called from home at lunch and I said if I don't hear from your Dad tonight that you gave the most heartfelt, sincere apology I will take everything. You will lose your phone, the TV, the computer, and the ability or privilege of trying to get your license until school starts next year. So man up and make your choice pal, because I have way more stamina and I'm in it for the long haul. You do NOT want me angry with you. Needless to say a long conversation was had between father and son, and everyone was happy when I arrived home last night. So happy they are golfing together next Monday, again, we aren't animals. Dudes. Testosterone is like liquid stupidity masquerading as pride. And its not awesome.

THE BAR IS CURRENTLY SO LOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN THE LIMBO

2009-05-15T09:31:00.000-07:00

Progress reports came out yesterday. The 18yr old is getting an F in probabilities and statistics. She is quick to point out, as are all my children, that this is MY fault, because I am not good at math. Possibly, but I never got lower than a C in any math course I took, so I'm skeptical. The 16yr old is getting a D in both Chemistry and Geometry. Awesome. Ever the opportunist, he was quick to point out that he is getting an A in marketing and entrepeneurship (yes that is actually a credited class in high school). I said awesome, we can deduce from that, that you are essentially a wonderful bullshit artist, which is clearly how you were able to convince your Dad and I that you had the grades "under control." You have an uncanny ability to sell yourself as a much smarter boy than your grades would indicate. Bravo. Then I went into my usual diatribe about how your grades follow you, this is how colleges and universities and even future employers judge you. They judge your work ethic, your attention to detail, even your commitment based on what they see on paper. He said "Mom, Mom, Mom. I know that's how it used to work, but your progress report grades don't go on your transcript anymore. Only actual report card grades show up on your transcript." So I said, OK, so then the D in Chemistry on the actual report card? Any thoughts on that? He said "Mom, you don't understand this teacher does NOT give out A's to anyone, even the really really smart kids aren't getting A's." I said, OK, does he give out C's? Cause I'd be real pleased with that right now. He did not appreciate my insight. I said if you tell a lie son and no one finds out, is it still a lie? He said "I'm failing to see your point." I said my point is this, even if no one sees that D, YOU know you got a D, YOU know that you could have done better, YOU know that you are capable of so much more. Raise the bar for yourself or you're gonna have to learn the limbo, and I've seen you dance and it ain't pretty.

ARE PIERCINGS THE "GATEWAY DRUG" OF BODY ART?

2009-05-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

About a year ago my then 18y old went around me and asked her father if she could get her nose pierced. I said no. He said yes, sure, why not? I said because she's 18y, we don't need to say yes to everything she would like to do. He said its not like its a tattoo or anything, as things like that go this seems OK. I said oh well gee if that is the bar, I was unaware that those were the parameters we were working within, the lesser of two evils. Did you guys smoke a cigarette and have a cold beer while you discussed it? He didn't appreciate my sarcasm, but I added, just wait, the tattoo is next, trust me. He said, ha, right. Cut to last night chatting with my 18y old before bedtime discussing the whys and why nots of getting a tattoo. I gave my cursory answer which is this, you can do anything you want to your body when you move out and live on your own, not while you live in my house. I think you are way too young to be putting permanent markings on your body. To which she gave her cursory reply, "I'm 18, I'm an adult." I said no, technically you are an adult when you fully support yourself and live on your own and start to figure out who you are and what you're about. She said, "I know all that already, I know who I am." I said OK, I know who you are too, you are a child that still enjoys my care and support and therefore will need to still obey my rules. She got the nose piercing while I was away on business. I gave it to her father worse than her. Cut to one year later and she has a lion tattoo on her right shoulder. One of these days I'm going to be wrong about some of these things, just not sure its coming any time soon.

IF MY DAUGHTER HAS OEDIPUS COMPLEX DOES THAT MAKE ONE OF US A LESBIAN?

2009-05-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

My 17y old attended her Prom this past weekend with a family friend, my son's best friend actually. He is sweet and cute and has his own car, he checks all the "cool" boxes for someone of my daughter's age who is trying to impress her peers. The problem is that she has never been that interested in impressing her peers. She has always been a kid who knows who she is and knows exactly what she likes in both things and people. She has had a minor crush on this boy for some time, but I think that was more at the urging of his father, who is looking to add a little height to his family's gene pool. His son is a baseball phenom who, at 16, has already made a verbal commitment to a university to play baseball for them. He is 5' 9" and probably maxed out. His father likes the idea of adding a tall, gorgeous athletic gal to the mix and he enjoys having drinks with my husband and me, so knows already that he would like the in-laws. All that said, prior to the dance, I could tell she was a little nervous about something, so I said is it the kissing thing? Are you nervous about that? And she, "umm yeah, I've never kissed anyone besides you and Daddy Mom, I'm totally nervous." I said well you'll be fine, he is so shy I doubt it will be an issue. She went to the dance and had a great time. I asked her sparingly over the course of the next few days for a few details, but could still tell something was kind of eating at her. So I said, did you kiss him? She said, "no, I didn't really want to either." I said well great, then that's good, you should never do anything you don't really want to do. Then I said I think I know what it is, I think you are looking for someone that makes you laugh that is kind of the life of the party, and funny and smart and clever like you. Is that it? And she said, "God its ridiculous how well you know me, that's exactly it Mom, I'm looking for a guy that is exactly like you. You've ruined it for me, now I expect everyone to be as awesome as you. Do you think he exists?" I said I do, definitely, there are people way more awesome than me, trust me. But that is by far the nicest compliment I have ever had. And then she added, "and if he could look like that cute cowboy in Hannah Montana movie that would be even better." I said you can rarely go wrong with a cute cowboy. I'll keep my eyes peeled.

YOU'VE GOTTA A LITTLE SOMETHING ON YOUR FACE THERE.

2009-04-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

At the all girls, Catholic High School that my 17yr old attends, they have a program called S.A.D.D. Students Against Drunk Drivers. Once a year mothers that have lost children to drunk driving related accidents come in and speak to the girls about the devastating effects of these types of tragedies. As part of way to illustrate the current statistics on these deaths, girls are arbitrarily selected and metaphorically "killed." This is achieved by painting their entire face black, draping them in a cape, ala the grim reaper, and requiring them not to speak or be spoken to for the remainder of their day with the idea being that their schoolmates have to see them all day and think about what its like to not hear their voice, or their laugh or enjoy any interaction with them. The "dead" person, while not really getting to understand what its like to be dead, does essentially learn what its like to be invisible. No voice, no smile, no laughter, no impact on their surroundings that do indeed continue in spite of their "death." Its a good message, the execution seems harsh, but possibly that is the best way to really reach children at a time in their lives when they still believe they are invincible. My daughter and I have a shared hair appointment today at noon. Last night it dawned on her that the S.A.D.D. meeting/day was happening today, and she said "just watch, they're going to "kill" me, I just know it." I said oh come on, its been 3 years and you haven't been killed yet, I have a good feeling you'll be OK. Then I received this text from her:

17yr old: K so remember how I said at school we do the drunk driving thing where they "kill" people to show statistics? Ya, they killed me and now I have black paint all over my face.

ME: Didn't you tell them that you had an appt today?

17yr old: Ya, they said I can leave but they still wanted to kill me.

ME: Well that's not very Christian.

My last text offset her bad mood just a bit when it made her laugh. When I picked her up at school she was sitting outside the attendance office with her head down. As she looked up I burst into laughter because her face was actually completely white with black circles around her eyes and completely covering her mouth, and she said, "seriously they had to kill me today?" I said well you cant pick when you go honey, someone else always decides. She said "if you weren't funny Mom this would totally suck." I said you have no idea sweets, no idea.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HOLD...

2009-04-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

They say that a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, constant maintenance is usually required to keep everything structurally sound. This is true of the parenting model as well. There is nothing more frustrating than agreeing on a course of action, agreeing to be a united front with the children and then having one parent (read: the DAD) just completely recant everything that you had talked about under the guise of "sympathy" for the child. We sat at the dining room table discussing prom date options for our 18 yr old last night. She has a dress already, but no date. Don't ask. Again, that call was made absent any input from me because I was out of town. So as the 18yr was talking about who would "fit the bill," cause apparently there are some pretty serious, pretty shallow criteria for this yet to be named/chosen/asked person. The 18yr old began the conversation with this little morsel of goodness "it cant just be anyone, he needs to be tall, at least 6ft so he is taller than me, and he needs to be good looking. I don't want to look back at crappy Prom pictures." I said, wow, umm that is a tiny bit shallow don't you think? Shouldn't your concern be someone you can have fun with and dance with and have a good time, since you are taking a friend? Now I was a girl that got made fun of fairly regularly through grade school, middle school and high school. I was full height (5' 10") by 7th grade, a huge tomboy, awkwardly skinny from ADD medication, and not conventionally good looking by any one's standards and in high school I was just completely overshadowed by my much smaller, much hotter twin sister. I wasn't a kid that would have judged anyone by their looks or their height purely based on my experience and I am, I'm sure, I little more sensitive to this subject matter because of that.

She glossed over that dismissively and said "yeah, yeah, yeah, but he needs to be really cute." I said well I cant think of anything worse than being at a Prom with someone you barely know, who fits the "HOT & TALL" criteria but is otherwise a complete stranger. So she said, "well there is Darren, he would go with me." I said Darren is great, that kid is hysterical, you could dance and laugh and have fun. She said "um no, he's shorter than me, not happening, that will look lame in pictures." So her father blurts out, "we'll give you back your phone if you ask Darren!" She immediately bit. I said the hell we will, your Dad is speaking out of turn, you'll get your phone back when you meet all the previously discussed criteria. I wanted to kill him. As I stared him down hoping for laser beams to shoot out my eyes and burn his mouth closed, he said "lets just go chat really quick in the kitchen." This is exactly why the 18yr old doesn't feel she needs to respect me, clearly her father doesn't either. He went on a tiny diatribe about feeling sorry for her, wanting her to have a good time at the Prom, blah blah blah. I said please do not confuse the two issues, one thing has nothing to do with the other. If she wants to go, she will ask someone, if she doesn't she wont. And the wanting should be her motivation, not the return of her beloved cell phone. Needless to say, a little chain repair/stabilization is in order at the Worley manse. The chain, in its current state, isn't going to hold. If I have anything the say about it, the repairs will be quick and very very painful.

THERE IS GOOD REASON THAT PROM RHYMES WITH BOMB

2009-04-29T11:29:00.000-07:00

I remember my Prom so vividly. All the pressure to go, the build up, the dress purchase, all of it. I didn't date in high school, so when I decided to go to the Prom I went with a close family friend. I knew I would have a fun time, could dance, and not have any weird awkward silences or nerves and concern for the "after prom" activities that typically go on. I just wanted to say that I went. My sister was dating someone very seriously, but they had just broken up, so she also took a family friend. I went to a very white, very redneck high school in Milwaukie, Oregon. We had 2 black kids in the entire school and as a means of survival and fitting in, they were quite possibly the whitest black kids I'd ever met. I went to grade school and middle school in Portland, so classes were always ethnically very diverse and I had friends of all colors. We grew up with a very liberal Mom that was all about finding friends wherever you could, color did not matter. That's what we knew. My prom date, as well as my sister's, was black. This was the talk of the Prom. Lots of whispering, and sideways glances. Disappointing, but expected. I just know it wasn't for my bright purple, full length, puffy sleeved satin number of awesomeness, and big hair but in retrospect...hmm. It was 1985, I was SO in fashion.

Had a shoot out of town this weekend and had to miss the all important mother daughter prom dress shopping event. Felt horrible. Both girls sent me photos of the dresses on email. The 17yr old picked a classic strapless, knee length lilac dress and the 18yr old picked something that looks very close to a cocktail dress, so I'm hoping that isn't some sort of not so subtle foreshadowing. I like to think of the body as real estate, valuable, valuable real estate. I have always told my daughters that who gets to see your real estate should be a big deal. You cant be holding an "open house on the property" all the time and putting your goods out there. Sends the wrong message. Anyone that gets to view the "property" should have earned that right through diligence, chivalry, intelligence, humor and decency. My daughters' generation of kids are under this misguided notion that the ONLY thing that is sexy or that will make boys pay attention is putting a lot of skin on display. And they will pay attention, they are correct, but for all the wrong reasons. So I have always been hugely vocal about understanding the distinction and understanding that true sexiness comes from an inner confidence rooted in intelligence, humor, genuineness and kindness. I hope I have led by example.

Their father went with them and approved both dresses, I have yet to see either of them in the dresses, but if anything is questionable in regards to how much of their "real estate" is showing, I will be holding him personally accountable. Either way, I think the Prom has a massive amount of build up for what usually turns out to be a fairly pedestrian affair. But everyone should get to have their own memories of that to look back on, just like I did. So here's hoping both my girls have some good moments to look back on of their prom.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD KEEP THOSE.

2009-04-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

As we sat watching playoff basketball last night at my house the conversation took a turn to the impending removal of my 18yr old's wisdom teeth. Why do they call them wisdom teeth exactly? Are they really full of wisdom, wrapped in glossy white enamel just waiting to burst through a teenagers gum line and endow them with some much needed wisdom? And if so, why oh why are they required to have them pulled at arguably a time in their life when they need wisdom most? I mean if its a space issue, I would argue for maybe removing some of the less "wise" teeth to make room for that all important wisdom. My son, ever the capitalist, at this point in the conversation said "yeah yeah yeah Mom, but more importantly how much money does the tooth fairy leave per tooth? I mean wisdom teeth, that's a big deal, I imagine its quite a lot, maybe starts with a 1 and ends with a couple of zeros? huh, huh?" To which I replied, oh bad news Tiger, I was just reading in the NY Times, the Tooth Fairy has actually retired. With the increased costs of flights and ball gowns and the ever growing expectations of children now a days she just decided to hang up her slippers, well actually they are Crocs now, she's getting on in years, but decided that was a better option than reinventing her business model to accommodate the changing times. Shame. Sorry. I got the cursory "HA HA HA very funny" that usually follows my made up stories and then the 17yr old reminded me of her favorite Tooth Fairy memory.

Every mother knows that in order to keep imagination alive in the minds of her children, she will have to be everything to everyone. This includes, but is not limited to, the Tooth Fairy. None of us really believes that an ageless 30 something woman in a Cinderella type gown is walking through the walls of the houses of little children collecting their teeth (eww!) and leaving money in return, that’s absurd. Where is she really making her money? How is the dress always so clean? Why does she even want the teeth? Many questions and concerns with the plausibility of the story.

My 4 year old daughter came to me one day crying. She was very upset. She had left her tooth under her pillow 3 days prior just like I had told her to do, and the Tooth Fairy still hadn’t retrieved the tooth and left her money. I had just started back to work for the first time since being a stay at home Mom for 5 years and I was exhausted. I didn’t even remember that I had forgotten, and for 3 days she had tried to be really brave and not say anything. On day 3, she finally broke down and wanted to know why the Tooth Fairy didn’t like her or forgot her. This broke my heart. I felt like a horrible mother. So I immediately said, “oh my goodness, I bet she is on vacation. Even the Tooth Fairy needs a break from time to time, I’m sure she will be here tonight. There is no way she would forget such a sweet girl like you. You go to bed and I just know in the morning you will have something.” I tucked her into bed and then went and had 2 cups of black coffee, there was no way I was going to fall asleep and forget again. I began writing an apology note, with my left hand of course so no one would recognize my writing. Here is what the note said:

Dear Madalyn,

Thank you for being so patient. I’m very sorry that you had to wait for a few days for me to retrieve your tooth and leave you a little something. I was on vacation in the Bahamas. I have a wonderful time share there. Even the Tooth Fairy needs a break from time to time. I have left you a little something extra for being such a good girl.

Remember keep brushing. And keep smiling.

Signed,

The Tooth Fairy

The next morning she woke up running and smiling carrying the folded note. She opened it and asked me to read it to her. Once I did, she said, “Oh mama you were right, she was just on vacation. She isn’t mad at me or anything.” Of course she isn’t mad at you that would be crazy. I told you that even the Tooth Fairy needs to get away and take a rest from time to time. What did she leave for you? That is the best part; she left me $2 whole dollars and a toothbrush and a lollipop. Isn’t that great? That IS great sweetheart. I’m glad you’re feeling better about the whole thing.

We had a good laugh recounting that story and then my 18yr old said, "OK but seriously, how much do we get for each wisdom tooth?" I said hmm, well let me see if I can do the math and see how much the Tooth Fairy has in the coffers. $7500 for braces, another $500 for retainers and replacement retainers and then whatever the surgery is going to cost to pull my fist out of your face. She said "alrightly then, obviously Tooth Fairy had a hard day, and maybe we should revisit this subject later." Maybe. And maybe you should keep those wisdom teeth for awhile, I'm pretty sure you're going to need some at some point.

MORE CHEESE PLEASE

2009-04-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

As I cursed myself for having yet another Miley Cyrus song stuck in my head, I asked myself why that was such a bad thing. My 17 year old LOVES Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. She watches the show religiously, plays all the songs on her ipod as loud as can be and actually knows the hoedown throw down step for step. The show itself is typical Disney fare. Wacky humor, totally implausible situations that end in comedic mayhem and lots and lots of overacting. Its targeted to the 8-12 year old market, sometimes younger, and in my daughter's case, sometimes much older where being over dramatic is appealing. In fact most of her TV viewing is Disney or Nickelodeon. Given the alternative of the show choices on MTV and the likes, I think it explains why she still has such a genuine, young, pure way of looking at the world. She's a kid like I was, everyone is good until they prove you wrong. Every bad situation has a solution you just need to look harder for it sometimes, but its always there. She is simply, pure goodness. That is a great thing. That got me thinking back to the shows I grew up watching, The Brady Bunch, Family Affair, The Partridge Family, Barnaby Jones, Batman and so many others. They are were all good wholesome TV viewing with some life lesson or moral wrapped not so subtly in the fiber of the show. That for the most part, is missing in programming for younger people today. My 18y old and 15y old are almost exclusively MTV show viewers, and they exhibit a cynicism reflective of that beyond their years. They make fun of the 17 year old on a daily basis. She doesn't care. She has a full size Hannah Montana cardboard cutout that is displayed proudly in her room next to her desk. She makes no apologies and doesn't care a lick when her siblings make fun of her. She enjoys it with complete abandon.

I went with my 17 year old to see the Hannah Montana movie last weekend. She took her best girlfriend and asked if I would please please please go with her, she had already seen it and just knew I would love it and that it would cheer me up. I had no where to go but up in the emotions department, so I said sure. It was as cheesy and as poorly acted as I expected, but it was a basic story about a young girl needing to remember her roots and how important family is, no matter how big you get or how far you go. That is a nice message. I cant hate on that. Near the final scene of the movie where Hannah Montana decides to sing as Miley because, in her words "y'all are family and I cant lie to you." I actually started crying. Not because the acting was so stellar or the story so poignant, I think I was crying from a week's worth of the exact opposite kind of relationship and exchanges with my 18 year old that I have with my 17 year old. That made me sad. But they were also tears of joy that my 17 year old genuinely loves something that most kids her age are past and its something good. Cheesy, but good. There isn't enough of that out there in our access to anything Internet kind of world. Cheese is good.

CHECK YOUR PANTS LIAR LIAR, THEY'RE ON FIRE

2009-04-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

Is there anything worse than a liar? I work in a business where dishonesty, bullshit and versions of the truth are common place. People say the same things so often they actually start to believe them, true or not. Its exactly why I am, at times, considered "abrasively honest." I prefer that people know my opinion and exactly what I think, even if its not in the majority, to being one of those people that lacks credibility because they are always telling people what they want to hear. I've had a few colleagues lie to me over the course of the week, so it started me thinking about the value of the truth.

I went through a time in my youth where I told a few fibs, generally to avoid getting in trouble or disappointing someone. I was a really nervous kid, always seeking every ones approval. I think all children go through that, its part of the path to learning the value of trust and honesty and responsibility. That said, I do think that there are good lies and bad lies. If I get a bad haircut, chances are I'm fully aware of that fact, and when I arrive home I want, nay I need my husband and kids to lie to me and tell me it looks great. And I would do the same for them or any other friend, because no value comes from telling someone the truth in that situation. I have employed many of my "own truths" in the raising of my children. One such truth that my children grew up believing was that adults could see white spots on their tongues when they told a lie. Patently untrue of course. But children, like adults, exhibit all the tell tale signs when they tell a lie. They avert their glance, stumble over their words, over explain to really sell the lie, and generally exhibit an overall nervousness in their body language. Its easy to spot. But I liked them thinking there was this added identifier of a fibber, in the spots, to keep them honest, or at least a little worrisome when they weren't entirely truthful. So when my children would come to me with a doozy, I would simply let them get the entire tale out and then, much like Regis Philbin I would say is that everything? Is that the story you're going with? Final answer? To which they would always nervously say, yes, I can't believe you think I would lie about something like that. And then I would say OK, stick out your tongue please. And then there would be a lot of hemming and hawing and "oh Mom, that doesn't really work, c'mon." To which I would say, OK then you should have no problem showing me your tongue. Sometimes, boldly, they would stick out their tongue in an effort to prove to me and to themselves that there weren't really spots. But I had my act down, the minute that tongue came out I would put on my most disappointed face and say, oh that is really sad, I can't believe you lied to me. A massive, usually heartfelt, apology would ensue and then of course, the real truth, and then the appropriate punishment for lying to your parents. And each time I would follow with the same speech, there isn't anything worse than being tagged as a liar. You will ALWAYS get in more trouble for the lie than the actual thing. All a person has is their credibility. A person is only as good as his or her word, and once you give that up, its an enormously hard thing to get back. Remember that.

My kids believed the spots on the tongue story until they were 12y and 13y, they would even solicit their friends to try and tell me a lie to prove to their friends that there was some really valuable parenting information out there that their own parents hadn't made them privy to. My son at one point, when I caught him in a lie with the spots tool, said to me, in a very self assured way, "um Mom those are taste buds, they are not lie spots." To which I replied, check your pants liar liar, they're on fire.

THE POWER OF THE POKER FACE

2009-04-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

I am fortunate to have a really rare, special and very open communication with all of my children. They still talk to me about everything. Since the time they were small I always told them if there is anything that you want to know, ask me, I will tell you truth. Please do NOT get your information from fellow 7 or 8 or 9 year olds or whatever age they happened to be at the time. Parenting, at its core, is about repetition. We say the same things over and over in the hopes that eventually it will strike a chord. Most people that meet my children and I and experience our relationship find it somewhat hard to believe, and if they haven't met my children, I am inevitably met with that condescending sort of "oh sure, you have the only teens on the planet not doing drugs and having sex." To which, after I squelch the urge to punch them in the face, I just say OK. The one thing, over many others, that parenting has provided me with is an innate sense of myself, of my opinions, of my overall role in my children's lives and it has also given me a release from the need for any outside approval, from anyone, on how I go about my parenting. That is a gift I am incredibly thankful for.

So as I picked up my 15 year old son from school and we were driving home he began to tell me about his day. The usual ensued, class was boring, couldn't wait to get out, cant wait to go play basketball at the gym with my friends, the usual. And then he said "oh my gosh mom guess what?" hmm. what? I was watching the Fantastic Rich life of Posh and David Beckham and do you know that he bought her a 2 million dollar platinum diamond encrusted dildo?" Many many things went through my mind in an incredibly short period of time, I said none of them. I kept a straight face and said, hmm, can she actually use that? Cause it doesn't really sound that safe or hygienic to me. He said, oh man I have no idea Mom, I think she wears it like a necklace or something, but 2 million dollars? I mean that's a lot of money right? I said that is a really lot of money, especially for "jewelry." And then he simply moved on to something else that occurred during his day like it was no big deal and we continued to talk the entire way home. I was racing through my memory trying to do the mental math on where he might have stumbled upon the word dildo, and I realized that I was the person that used it. We were watching the Departed. Fantastic movie. Just my son and I. And the part came on in the movie theater where Jack Nicholson stands up and turns around and waves his penis around to scare Matt Damon's character. My son said, Mom do you think he really whipped out his penis?, and without thinking I said no, I'm sure it was just a dildo. He was horrified. He left the room with his ears covered, saying Mom you CANNOT say words like that to me, I don't want to hear those words from my mother, it freaks me out. And I said, I'm sorry babe, I was just trying to answer your question honestly. Let me try again, he used a stunt penis honey, it was a s t u n t penis. You can come back in now and we can finish watching. I won't use anymore pornographic words, swear. He came back in, we watched the movie and never spoke the D word again. But I'd put it out there.

I guess my only point is, I felt so goddamn happy he felt comfortable talking to me about something he had heard from me just 2 weeks prior and was horrified. I think as parents we feel like we have to react to everything, but maybe its a lack of reaction that creates an ease and ability for children to say what they want to say without fear of embarrassment or punishment.

I'm ashamed to admit I gave up an additional hour or two over the course of the next 2 days plagued with questions. 2 million dollars and she cant actually use it? Doesn't Becks travel quite a lot? I mean wouldn't a working, 2 million dollar dildo really come in handy from time to time? And if it is really just jewelry, where can she actually wear it? I mean is that a "red carpet" piece of jewelry? And further, is it actual size? All questions I will never have answers to, but they entered my mind anyway. Kids are great.

WHO'S REALITY?

2009-04-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

Why do they call it "reality television?" I came home from work the other night and my 15 year old son was parked in his usual spot on the couch watching The Rock of Love. A show completely devoted to an aging, has been rocker and his quest for love. Two things, he is NOT looking for love and if he were, he wouldn't be likely to find it amongst a gaggle of strippers. All my kids have grown up in this world of reality television, instant access to anything on the Internet and wider and wider parameters in our entertainment industry for what is and is not acceptable. An aging rocker living in a house with a gaggle of strippers slash actresses, trying to find the one with the heart of gold, while having sex with all of them. Part of me can entertain the argument that it is just mindless, train wreck type fun. But the more dominant side of my brain would argue that its much more damaging and pervasive in its message. My kids have this fucked up (pardon my french) idea that Bret Michaels is reality. The Bachelor, the Bacherlorette, my Big Redneck Wedding, Big Brother, Celebrity Rehab (although I did watch this and get completely sucked in) and a litany of other shows devoted to the soul purpose of waiting for a fight, or crying, or some other sensationalized drama to play out in front of millions of people. To which I say, who's reality is that? Real people don't do that. It sends this dangerous message that putting private details, feelings, emotions out for public consumption is reality and further that its OK. If you want to be an actress or actor, which is typically the end goal for most of these participants, you have to prostitute yourself emotionally and sometimes physically to attain that goal. That might be someones reality, but I do not want it to be my children's, and I further don't want them to learn to enjoy other people's pain or degradation as a form of entertainment. I understand shows like The Amazing Race, American Idol, even Survivor. They are still packed with tons of drama and real life situations and problems minus any pearls of wisdom from the likes of Bret Michaels. And they are all competing for something, usually money, and they are having to legitimately work in one way or another to attain it. I get that, there is an honesty in that. Its a faster road to a goal that might not otherwise be possible, that's ingenuity. I think unfortunately this up to minute everything that our children are exposed to has robbed them of the need to apply any ingenuity to solving their own problems. Any parent knows its the easiest thing in the world to give your child the answer they are seeking, its far harder to lead them in the direction they need to go to solve it on their own. We love quotes and cliches in my house. A remnant of my childhood I'm sure. When my 17 year old daughter needed an answer to something that I knew very well she could solve on her own I said, there is this old saying, "give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, but teach him HOW to fish and he will eat for a lifetime." The best, very best thing we can do for our kids is empower them to trust their own instincts and believe in the choices they make, and be OK when they don't know the answer right away. And to understand the value and the power that comes from the harder fought, more elusive answers once they are found. And turn off the god damn TV from time to time.

LATHER. RINSE. REPEAT.

2009-04-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

If anyone had told me how daunting and thankless the task of parenting would be I might have reconsidered. I would have done it anyway, because I’m generally bad about taking advice from other people, especially if it comes in the form of a directive, (complete coincidence that the 18yr old shares this quality) but I would have at least taken pause. I stayed at home for the first 6 years of my children's lives. I just wanted them to be old enough to tell me if anything were amiss in the 8 hours of the day when they were out of my care. When I stayed at home I had this completely irrational belief that I had to do it all on my own, it was after all my ONLY job. If I asked for help or raised the white flag when things became too much, it just meant that I wasn't committed enough to the task at hand. In hindsight I can attribute most of that thinking to sleep deprivation, 1 meal a day, if I remembered, and this unrealistic, unattainable desire to be perfect. Eventually, of course, time and wisdom yield the realization that no one is perfect and when you need help you should ask for it because your children will actually benefit from other points of view and ways of looking at the world. I remember when I was growing up that other parents would correct me when I did or said something wrong and my Mom would thank them. I always knew that I had to be on my toes, I wasn't going to get away with anything, and parents in those days looked out for every one's children, not just their own. Somewhere along the line we lost sight of that as a society. Parents have become very territorial about who dispenses information or insights to their children. Shame. My husband and I chose to send our kids to private school. We liked the idea of smaller class sizes, art and language classes that had been cut from our public school's curriculum and most importantly a smaller community. I believed, and my husband stepped quickly in line, that when the kids were out of our care for 8 hours a day in school we would find comfort in the knowledge that we were sending them to a place that embodied the same ideals we were trying to instill in them at home. Actions reap consequences, a person is only as good as their word, the world does not revolve around 1 person and you can and should be part of a bigger community at large and you should try and be a positive influence within that community and world. In the spirit of that, since sending my children off to school I have embraced the "it takes a village" philosophy in rearing my children. I always want to be the loudest voice in my children's heads, but I don't want to be the only one. In that vein, sometimes help comes from the most surprising sources. I work in an industry that most would find, on the surface, vacuous and inane, Advertising. I have to say however, that I have met more smart, thoughtful, caring and wonderful people through my work than I can count, and I feel enormously lucky to call them friends. My friend Justin read my post yesterday and sent me a note telling me to keep the faith. He went on to recount a story of he and his wife visiting her native China and during the course of their trip his wife was overcome with a need to thank her parents for the English language courses they made her take. She absolutely hated them. But now, some 20 years later she was so thankful they had forced her into it, she felt so much more at home in NY. He further went on to say, some trees take years to bear fruit. I said true that my friend, true that. He then followed with, but they still require sun and water. I deduced that he meant love and nurturing, if he really meant sun and water I have been going about this child rearing thing completely wrong. My 18y old and I had it out last night and came to a truce. She still doesn't get her phone back, but she has a better understanding of her station in the hierarchy (and yes, there is a hierarchy in my household) and over the course of the next 6 weeks whilst she is working towards getting her phone back, she will hopefully also understand the value of having a goal to work towards and inch by inch, day by day, working thoughtfully toward achieving that goal. Parenting is exactly like that. So I will continue to provide sun and water to my angry, little, 18yr old, hidden fruit tree in the hopes that someday she will bear fruit. Not for my sake, but for hers. Thank you Justin.

IF THE GLASS IS HALF FULL - I SURE HOPE ITS TEQUILA

2009-04-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

My husband is out of town this week, so I thought I would take this opportunity to take back a little of the power I have ceded over the last 4 weeks to my 18 year old daughter. Children learn very quickly how to pit one parent against the other in the decision making process, girls are especially adept at this. So while her comrade in arms is out of town I called my friend Joe at our local AT&T store and asked him to please turn the service off on my daughter's cellphone. I further explained I wanted to teach her a lesson in respect, ethics and the value of really standing up for what you believe. And then I waited for the battle to ensue. I came home last night and nothing. The cursory hi, hello I'm gonna go do some homework (read:check my Facebook page and chat on line with friends) on the computer and then just go to bed. OK. Night. See you in the morning. I woke up early this morning, dropped the 17 year old off at school and then came back with the plan of walking the dog before my 9:30a yoga class this morning. Begrudgingly as I entered the house, my oldest said "um hey Mom did you turn off my texting or my phone service or something?" I said I did. Incredulous, she said, "what, why?" I said well you enjoy a lot of luxuries at my expense, if you don't really like me or respect me it seems somewhat hypocritical of you to continue taking those things that you could simply pay for on your own." She started to say something, then thought better of it I guess, and slammed the door on her way out to school. There will be more tonight, she will be emboldened by her equally unaware and jack-assy peers at school and come home with a new resolve and a well thought out retort. I'm not going to think about that though, I'm just going to prepare myself for my hot yoga class, where for 90 minutes I can just sweat it out and quiet my mind. As anyone who has had children and then gone about the sometimes daunting task of raising them can attest, physical pain is much easier to endure than emotional pain. Yours or your children's. Possibly that is just me. When I was in my usual Sunday morning yoga class the teacher said something I found interesting, he said Bikram says "if everything in your life is perfect, both physically and emotionally, come to yoga 3 times per week to maintain that. However if there is anything in your life that need or want to change, come 5 times per week. Needless to say I have been going 7 days a week. And then it dawned on me, its something I've said to my children since they were small. You cant control what other people do or how they act, all you can control is how you behave and how you act. I'm not going to change how my daughter is feeling or acting right now, so maybe the change has to come from me, and maybe its not how I act, but how I react to her behavior. Raising children is a marathon, with no finish line in sight and no rule book or manual or even proper training prior to their arrival. It requires tenacity, faith in yourself, confidence in your decisions, and an overwhelming amount of optimism. I've lost of a little of that over the past 4 weeks, but I'm hoping I can yoga myself back to me and maybe that will bring about some change in our dynamic. Not sure, but, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

THE EASTER BUNNY

2009-04-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

As I celebrated another Easter with my family yesterday and silently mourned the passing of the days when the kids would color eggs and go on the annual Easter egg hunt, I started to reminisce about those days when my children still believed. I am now, and have always been, a big believer in keeping children young for as long as you can. I think part of maintaining that innocence and wonder involves them believing in things like Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and even the Easter Bunny. Kids inevitably hit that age where questions begin to arise about the plausibility of some of these holiday icons and their existence. In anticipation of such questions I sat down one evening and wrote down the story of each. I tried to anticipate any questions that might arise, and have an answer for each that I felt was believable and yet still fun.

A rabbit, that lays eggs? Colored eggs? Plastic eggs with candy in them? Lots of holes in this story. Where to start? The old “which came first the rabbit or the egg” argument doesn’t really hold water. So this is the story of the Easter bunny that my children grew up believing.

Many, many thousands of years ago when the tradition of Easter began, there was a beautiful strong red rooster that distributed his best hen's eggs to all the families in his town for coloring and hiding, starting a long tradition that has absolutely nothing to do with the birth or resurrection of Christ, but was always fun. About 100 years ago, this Rooster, we’ll call him Rocko (name has been changed to protect the innocent). Rocko loved collecting the eggs and getting the hens all excited about being chosen to dispense the all important Easter eggs. However, when Rocko got bored he liked to gamble with the other farm animals. They had a regular Tuesday night poker game, $100 dollar buy in, winner take all. Rocko won as many as he lost, but he still continued to play. On this particular Tuesday evening he was up big, like $1000 dollars. He felt invincible. Then in one fateful turn, in the final hand of the evening that he was sure he would win, the local Rabbit went all in and called him. Rocko did not have as many chips as Esparanza (what? he had Latino ancestry) so in a moment of desperation he offered the privilege and the honor of delivering the yearly eggs to the Rabbit as collateral. Esparanza seized the opportunity. He knew he had a better poker hand. In the end, Esparanza had a full house Kings over Queens and Rocko was left holding 2 pair, ironically Kings and Jacks, get it? Jack Rabbit, he lost, jacks. Oh anyway, Rocko lost his title of Easter rooster, and from that point on the Easter bunny revolutionized Easter for all children.

The real lesson here is, don’t gamble. And enjoy your children while they're young. They grow up way too fast.

TEENS AND ENTITLEMENT

2009-04-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

As I was having what seemed like the 1 millionth conversation with my 18 year old daughter about the importance of follow through and work ethic, met with the usual rolling of the eyes that has become such a familiar part of our exchanges, it dawned on me. Kids these days just don't get it. I blame myself. I think the problem is easily two or three fold, but the main reason for which I am as guilty as the next parent, is this desire to give our children more than we had with the naive hope that this will actually create a desire to be better and do better. Wrong. I think unfortunately we have given our children so many things (cellphones, computers, allowances, sometimes earned sometimes not) that we have actually created the reverse affect. They are so used to having things without having to work for them, they think that is actually how the world works. We've created, unwittingly, a sense of entitlement, an increased desire for things yes, but an absolute chagrin at having to obtain them on their own. This sums up my 18 year old daughter to a tee. My parents divorced when I was 14, we lived in 8 different houses during my 4 years in high school. My twin sister and I both immediately got jobs and began paying for our own school clothes, sports equipment and anything else that we required or wanted. We didn't get a ride to our jobs, or our friends houses or our sporting events, we figured out which bus would take us there and which could get us home, all without cellphones or the use of the internet. It never occurred to me even once to complain, I knew my Mom probably had her own problems to deal with and I could either be a part of the problem or a part of the solution, I chose the latter. I worked 30 hours a week, played varsity sports and maintained As and Bs in all my classes. I had chores at the house I was required to do, but I earned no allowance and I didn't ask for it, I knew my Mom couldn't afford it, even working two jobs. Having to work, seeing my Mom have to struggle created an empathy and a desire to be self-sufficient that is missing in most children today.

I was too tired, and frankly a little depressed from a weeks worth of the same exchanges with my oldest daughter, to cook anything for dinner. My daughter seemed absolutely appalled at this notion, because for the better part of her 18 years on the planet, she has had a home-cooked meal on the table every evening or a night out with her family. I said there is plenty of food in the pantry, you're a big girl, go make yourself something. She said "there aren't any clean pans (patently untrue) and I don't think I should have to wash a pan in order to get myself fed." I said well I guess if you get hungry enough the pan washing wont seem so insurmountable and you'll overcome this horrible case of parental neglect and get your tummy fed. Good luck with that. I'm taking your dad out for a beer. She looked at me like I was the anti-Christ. Completely taken back that I could leave her, a young, healthy 18 year old girl, to fend for her own meal. I don't know if it was the beer, or the one hour alone of peace with my husband that ended the evening on a positive note, I just know I have a better understanding of the need for 'couple time' when working through parenting issues. My own mom was the cliche queen. She had a cliche for every problem or situation, she was excellent at it. She said to me more times than I can remember, adversity breeds character. Truer words were never spoken. Thanks Mom.